Saintly Journal

the love and life of saintly

Change on Cards

I got few changes, hopefully in the pipeline. I might consider shifting to or might not. Job is fine. Just an incidental happening in the life of a sincere student of philosophy. There are just two things, I constantly seek. One is He and the other one is Knowledge. So that makes an internet and information junkie and a dreaming gay, abandoned to the day dreams. Beware. I fight to realise my dreams.

But then, I might not change my workplace. Do not know, what I will do. Except that I will seek Knowledge like the western star and seek Him, like the pole star. Constants of life?!


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Being and Nothingness

Every facet of my life revolves around him. My moments, my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my prayers. Each and everything. It is sort of a revelation for me, like the Copernican theory of universe. The leitmotifs always are the same. Constant, immutable and unchanging, amidst changing universe. Each passing of a moment brings with it a whole new world, that sweeps all that existed and only to be swept away by the next moment. A Sisyphyian situation.  And no more a myth. Rather a mirth.

My universe revolves around him. The moments that bring me to him and the moments that take him from me. This created a dichotomy. An existential dichotomy, the grand old dichotomy of being and nothingness. The situation is not being explicable, in terms of the metaphysics, logic, aesthetics, praxis. This seems to be a case of experience and a case of quintessential existentialism. All the notions of understanding, inquiry and reflections, have broken down. A singularity seems to be the fact and a singularity to everything that man ever knew and a singularity to all that man can ever know.

His being or the lack of it is a fact. And in both scenarios, he seems to be the apriori of my experiential and existential philosophy. Finally I could get the sense of Continental Philosophy.

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A poem for you


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Pathetically predictable

These bastards so pathetically predictable. And yet they are foolish enough to understand they are extremely predictable and predicted. Well Dog’s tail. But that is good for me. All I would be doing is think and dream about him, help him all the while, I am around here. Einstein defined stupidity as “Doing the same thing, over and over and yet expect different results”. Suits these bastards to a Tee.

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A great day

Some days in my life are so worth remembering and some days make me proud. These moments are my success and rest all is just plain incidentals. Here I have three freshers, and sort of tried to guide them. And all three of them, are doing excellent. Getting good reviews, being great at work, and all that. When I interviewed them, I just wanted to see how they would approach at a given problem. And all three carry a very high potential for problem solving, and they make me proud. I know talent, I can hone and harness that talent, and they guys I mentor are one of the best in this universe and that makes me. This defined me, and this will define me. Give me raw talent, and I will make diamonds out of them. But there is a disclaimer, if someone has no potential to begin with, I cannot do anything. Just plain simple underlying non humanitarian fact of this universe.

He is being so kind to me. I have the privilege of solving some of his issues, the privilege of seeing him, the privilege of talking to him. The privilege of being next to him. I do not know, but these moments are what I want. And future is bleak for me. Some indefinite tomorrow, they will chuck me out. The marginal returns are falling. And all the games that we play, accumulated huge amounts of frustrations, and it is just a matter of underhand ball, when I will be bowled out. Clean. Then life for me is darkness. I would not be able to see him. I would not be able to talk to him, and most definitely, I could not even get close to him. All I would be left is these memories, the mementos of my talent and my love. A heartbreak, a mycordial infraction and codeine dreams.

A hope, the love, the faith and those dreams, live on forever. I would not.

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Future Tense

So these guys carry this notion that my existence is dependent upon aligning with themselves and all the past “success” would be a waste if I do not align with themselves. I want to make this clear. I love this guy. If only he could have these feelings for me, I would have braved the whole world for him. It is not being so, I am braving the whole world for his dreams. And believe me, I make ways, where there were no ways. I did it once, the second time, and I can do it the fourth and fifth time too. At the least I can try.

Let me look at the opportunity costs. I have a big plan rolling for the next ten years. And I need him in this. These guys think that they would just blackmail me into marrying. They are mistaken. If I work with them, my opportunity cost is immense. And if I do not work for them, their opportunity cost is huge. Just does not understand, foolish is the collective mentality. Even an air hostess would understand the situation in a very pragmatic manner. These guys are given into deliriums of collective.

It would just be nothing more than persecution. A middle ages strategy. Never having outgrown, they would not be deserving this idea of a renaissance in their society. Might be a long long way to go. For me, I will at the least attempt, and anything that comes in my way and if it does not kill me, will only strengthen me.

And the world is watching.

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Anarchist’s Way

So I know what is happening and I know what has happened and worse, I know what is going to happen. But I do not resign to the inevitabilities omnipotency and have taken the extra spirit and extra codeine to fight out any thing that is inevitable, hopeless, impossible. It is not for me. I believe that human being is a very very tough animal. Born out of the evolutionary processes that did generate and destroy giants like tyrannosaurus rex. That itself would mean that homo sapeins are a resilient species and every human is a resilient individual. And with  a bit of faith and belief in himself, I believe that miracles are possible and do fall in the realm of this mundane materialistic universe.

I fought ten long years hard and turned upside down what is generally accepted as impossible. And if I can do it once , I can do it ten times, hundred times, provided time and myself and the universe. The issue is even if god exists, and he is great or whatever, what triumphs is human spirit. Human spirit is what keeps god alive and what keeps values and meanings alive and present. So this time, I have taken this damned path of anarchism. I do not belong to the right. Neither do I belong to the left. I see both of these worlds as hells, each its own kind, and both similar and same. The human variance is not too wide. Not too far away from the extremes are these averages. And in this spectrum that is narrow, humans do oscillate with great pride that they carry in the positions they are situated. Just foolishness.

The idea of my Anarchism is to represent the spirit of Human being. It is to represent the idea of the man as a son of this universe and potentially as the grandson of the ultimate power, and as a harbinger of faith. My spirit is if Truth does not exist, make truth. If light does not exist, make light and if God does not exist, make God. I believe that every human should carry this spirit. This is the common prayer that every human needs to reiterate and auto suggest every moment of life. Come what may, the hell, the darkness, the armageddon and the apocalypse, Man remains much tougher and all those things that does not kill a man, makes him stronger and stronger.

Sadly, this Anarchist path is something you would be walking alone for a long long time. And the following principles from “The Way of the Warrior” do absolutely act as great guidelines in this fight.  (Ofcourse, they have been localised in my context)

  • Do not turn your back on the various ways of this world.
  • Do not scheme for physical pleasure.
  • Do not intend to rely on anything.
  • Consider yourself lightly; consider the world deeply.
  • Do not ever think in acquisitive terms.
  • Do not regret things about your own personal life.
  • Do not envy another’s good or evil.
  • Do not lament parting on any road whatsoever.
  • Do not complain or feel bitterly about yourself or others.
  • Have no heart for approaching the part path of love. [Well that is something I cannot get it right.]
  • Do not have preferences.
  • Do not harbour hopes for your own personal home.
  • Do not have a liking for delicious food for yourself.
  • Do not carry antiques handed down from generation to generation.
  • Do not fast so that it affects you physically.
  • While it’s different with military equipment, do not be fond of material things.
  • While on the way, do not begrudge death.
  • Do not be intent on possessing valuables or a fief in old age.
  • Respect the gods and Buddhas, but do not depend on them.
  • Though you give up your life, do not give up your honour.
  • Never depart from the Way of Martial Arts. [Never depart from the way of the Anarchism]

Live long and prosper! 🙂

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Been a while

It has been a while, when I looked upon my yesterday and reflected the days that were. I know there is not much meaning in these days. It is all just plain simple political dirt slinging matches, everyday, when my boss hurls his dust on me and I reciprocate. These are meaningless days, meaningless times, and meaningless worlds. The only saving grace is he. Though he is not of my inclination and though he does not need to empathise me, it is only his virtuous nature that he tends to me in a delicate manner, and makes sure that he does not step on the line, that hurts me. What can I say. He is my God.

Started writing this thesis about Subjective Religion, trying to incorporate the institution of subjective religion, specially in Hinduism. The issue with Hinduism is not of renaissance but before that, is reformation. The Hindu conscience must revisit the present, past, self, others and reflect deeply on these issues, meditate, find solutions, and put in sincere effort for a reformation. But the Hindus just do not have this attitude. They reflect the arrogance of the German Socialist Party and pretend the wisdom of ancient sages. Pointless. And all that they do have become is plain simple ritualists, doing their chores, without any understanding on what is happening and worse, even with out the simple curiosty to know what is happening. With their conscientious ignorance and sincere stupidity, they want to create their civilisation. Foolishness.

God’s Agenda for me is clear. He put forth before me, Resistance, Hindu Resistance Phase, the first one. Then he put forth the Reformation Phase, the kind of reformation days, that happened before Renaissance and the kind of Reforms akin to the Lutheran Reforms of the Protestant Church. There ain’t any wrong in borrowing and inculcating good principles. As a matter of principle, it is a very honest gesture and mature reaction. So I plan to go ahead with my Hindu Reformation. And the first step is this Thesis of Subjective Religion.

And comes the last part. The He part. I am very thankful to God that I can see him everyday, I can hear him everyday, and I can even help him out in his day to day work. Either it is greeks bearing gifts or natural serendipity, I have no idea. But I just live for these moments that bring me near him. And the rest of the time, I enjoy his absence. Like Emily Dickinson says “To lose thee, is sweeter than to gain thee”. And the bright side of this darkness is this. I am missing him. And that is a very very good situation, than missing no one. God has been kind to me. He presented me in the reality, a person, whom I really miss.

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Been a few days, since I posted something. I am now ugly, my home, a junk yard, my clothes lay scattered, my thoughts go awry and my heart feels painful. I am distant from him. Far too away, a chasm, not even god could fill. Separated not only by the universe that god designed but also the walls and barriers that we design. And life, lost its meaning. Nothing makes sense to me. I mean I was reading Schopenhauerian Aesthetics, reading about satisfaction, elation and the meaning of beauty and form. But it all looked so bland to me. Senseless, hollow, shallow and narrow. Which is rather not true. I tend agree with this philosopher on several existential assertions he made. And this one about aesthetics is seemingly in concordance with my thoughts. Without him, life is stale. A meaningless existence and a purposeless routine. The routine of the Sisyphus, to toil to roll up the wheel on top of the mountain only to let it rollback to the valley.

My muse is absent and that is a big loss for me. He is my inspiration, my respiration and my perspiration. He is the power of my life, the culmination of all that is me. The sum totality of what I did and what I do. I do have  any definitions of values like success, heaven, music, beauty only in relation to him.

Hearing him speak, is like music for my ears. I keep a vigil about the sounds that go around in the air. A sharp watch or a lookout for those fleeting moments, which bring his voice to my ears. Day in day out, I can even be a slave if I can get to hear his voice everyday. When I see him, it is a work of art, the great grand artist, sculpting and painting a symbol of perfection, a symbolism of beauty, virtue, humanity, divinity, spirituality. And when I see him, it is my festival. It is one of those moments, when your angels bless you for all that good that you have ever been. And when talks to me, it is life. It is the very manifest itself, talking a deep interest in my condition, and personified as him, trying to reach out to me. It is a moment when you talk to your maker. He means everything to me.

And today, we spoke for a long long time. A parol in this imprisonment. A reprise in this chore and a moment of artistic satisfaction in an ugly universe, and light in darkness, warmth in this bitter cold winter.

But I cannot have these moments for myself. I can only dream and live out the rest of life, aided by a few moments like these. These moments are the mementos for me, the memoirs of good times and good tidings.  Only these moments make me. The rest are the moments of struggle and conflict to reach these moments.

I am stinking to my self. It is horrible. My clothes are dirty, I am unkempt, my home is a junk yard and my life a mess. But I will today set it back alright again. Some spirit is infused into me, by my guardian angel. It is just that my guardian angel happens to be straight and got a guardian angelic girl friend. And all I do is dream, hope, pray and love him. Only wish my god will bless me with my dreams. But the bright side of life is that he has already blessed me at the least to dream my dreams. Imagine my fate should this blessing not be there.

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Standing to loose all

Hi there, the time has come, shouted the harbinger of the doom, well, of sorts. I am working here since 8 months. Got good at this job, just like with any stuff I do. I have conducted interviews, got good guys around in the team, kept the integral unity of the team and I was there to solve problems (technical in nature) when ever they arose and there were many problems. We solved them, with true grit, perseverance and intelligence. As time marches on, our team got better and better at what we do. We managed a good impression, good workforce, good team kudos over all. And we do academic journals on the internet. When they hired me, I did not have any working experience in XML or XSLT. Being a problem solver, learnt all of it in the run time. Soon, they made me a team lead. But now, the days are not so interesting, the intellectual challenge is reduced to a minimal level. It is now, a shop floor, a servicing center. But that is fine, I am being paid (decently).

After the love for Him, happened, I found myself crossing my manager. Now I do not even talk to him, entertain him, yes boss him around. And that hurts his ego. So far it was necessity and talent that kept me here. We do have problems, that take time to solve, that need some creative troubleshooting, think on the spot, think laterally situations, the fire fighting scenes and I excel at both. Now all the guys are pretty good, at more or less everything. So now, the necessity part is over.

Previously I worked under congress guys. They to start with, have got a very bad impression on me. I meticulously, patiently and diligently turned my impression around. They saw that I am a good worker, and they respect me for that. And I respect them for that. It is very amazing to see, individuals, in these cruel times, recognizing the merit and acknowledging it. That being a merit in itself, I give my respect to the congress guys. Here, my manager is from the party I once belonged to. Yes, BJP. Well actually, I since a long time, have been closer to SS than to BJP. It is just Atalji and Advaniji, when at the helm, carried great statesmanship and visionary leadership, I associated with that elite. But now, BJP is just a party of goons, pretentious people and fake swamis. And there is one fundamental problem with these people. Congress guys, when they realised they were wrong about me, they atleast, permitted me to participate in the industry and win my bread. And I acknowledge that and I try to be of help to everyone. I make sure, I send out ten percent of my income for the needy and for the askance (I learnt this good principle from Islam). But I do not expect that magnanimity with my current manager. What he might be needing now, is not talent, is not workmanship, but I presume he wants yesmen around. I am not sure about this. Could not assert that statement. But there is a reasonable and non negligible probability.

And yesterday, he spoke with me, and my life, bloomed as a flower in the sunshine. I do not know when it is going to happen again. Not expecting it. Just dreaming it all the time.

And I am on the brink of my job. As soon as my loan of 90,000 is repaid, my idea is that my manager would find a reason or two, blackmail me to either marry a girl or fire me. Worse, he can even attribute terrible image to me. But that is improbable. Everyone knows me, my work and my skills. But just keep fingers crossed, and pray and hope that he would not do it.

I would not stop dreaming him. I would not stop loving him. I just cannot do that. I can take consequences. That means, I would loose my job, my home, my future employment prospects and worse, I might even stand to lose my access to internet. Then I would be in a prison (of sorts, ofcourse). But I would be happy, because, they could not stop me from dreaming him. They could not distance me from my love for him and they just could not win over the power of my life. It is just that I had an unprivileged start. So this Appollonian tragedy is not unprecedented. If I have the start, that for example, kind of the one, my manager has, then, I would have already proposed and married him. And they would all look at it as a great move. Just that I had this derelict start, spend through hungry nights and torn clothes, have to submit to the tragedy of being me.

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About Me

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

-- From Ulyssess by Lord Alfred Tennyson


"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law"

-- AL I:40, Liber Al vel Legis, Aleister Crawley


Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

-- spoken by Hannibal whilst crossing alps with elephants at Punic Wars


I am the Messiah of New Hope, New Age and New Light.

My Passions include Hindu Civilization; Knowledge, Wisdom; Art; Science; Universe; Philosophy; Hindu Anarchism & Internationalism


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  • a moment to love – a moment to live March 13, 2013
    a moment for reprieve another to strive a moment for me to dream another to scream a moment of your love a moment when i live Advertisements
  • love is tomorrow January 22, 2013
    all the world is an illusion, when reality is a delirium, you and life is just a hallucinatio, love is tomorrow. world that heeds not your opinion a nation, you do not belong to amidst oppressive tyrannical times, that , every man is an island. reality, that relentlessly binds you to eternal emotional slavery, in […]
  • my fight January 20, 2013
      to redeem myself,  to reach you, i fight from this intellectual slavery and emotional drudgery. you are my meaning for this life, and all the universe is a void. release me, from the bounds of reality, free me and my soul, to a new creative zeal i am a prisoner for love and warmth […]
  • another prayer January 13, 2013
    all the medicine and medicine men stitch me as a new old rag all the instruments and medications kick my heart pumping blood the life in me, atrophied and my soul departed my spirit amputated and the essential me, deceased my light, faded into darkness of this cold eternal night my warmth, frozen dead midst […]
  • heart ache January 13, 2013
    a terrible pain crept up my chest, reaching my hands and climbing up my head into my jaws i lay dreaming you in a hospital ticking moments, beeping pulse and dripping iv is this hell, and am serving my sentence and for what sin – the sin of loving you?   i know this pain, […]
  • forget you, my love January 13, 2013
    forget you my love and how can i can we forget all that is life and light and the existential warmth of the morning how can i forget, the euphoria of love and the nostalgia of the times what we are how can i forget meaning that you provide in the midst of the senseless […]
  • ask of you January 13, 2013
    what redemptions do i ask of thee, my god when thy existence is thine greatest gift what boons do i desire from you, my angel when your light and warmth filled my emptied soul what inspiration can I seek of you, my muse while I being the poem you writ.   I love you   […]
  • the desert beat December 26, 2012
    while these monotone beats fade away when this heart stops to throb while I walk a desert cast away mirage to mirage I do cross reality is less by a mirage i am wiser by another i walk to quench a thirst reach the oasis of his love and sunshine a thirst that arose from […]
  • dr. strangelove or how I stopped to worry about the earth and love mars December 17, 2012
    i am going to mars. i am in earth’s orbit my oribtal parameters are per: 6.5m apr: 6.93m rasius: 6.742m, inc 52.31 degrees and lan 180.05 degrees. the current time is Wed march 14 13:02 2001 mjd: 51892.5459. i plan to escape the earth’s gravity and burn fuel so that my transfer orbit gets as […]
  • in the light of the oblivion dark December 15, 2012
    in the light of the oblivion dark, unstarting unending being of nothingness; mocking all that is nothingness of being, undermining and erasing everything life and light. under that sardonic ironic tragic stage, asleep was i, dreaming none but you; how can any light wake me up, and what life can foil my dreams. these are […]

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